Australia ist vun of ze most gay-friendly countries in ze vorld — vhich is hardly surprising, as it is, of course, ze place England sent all zeir gay guys to 150 years ago. But in between schtupping all ze gorgeous hunks who hang around Bondi Beach, Ayers Rock (Uluru) und Pat Cash's jacuzzi, you might want to take a further look at ze country. Here are a few pointers as to vhat to expect.
Fashion
Make sure you pack plenty of clothes! Ze biggest desert in Australia is ze Fashion Desert — it is really, really hard to get good clothes zere. To put it in context: two years ago, Sydney attempted to have a fashion week, like Paris and Milan, but could only manage a Fashion Afternoon. Ze biggest event to hit Australian fashion in ze past decade vas ze introduction of two new colours of ugg boot.
If you absolutely
have to shop for clothes und vant some stylish European fashions, ze best places to go are second-hand shops. Here you'll find clothes removed from ze corpses of vestern tourists, battered to death in ze outback by men called "Dobbo" und "Wacker". Ich don't want to be only negative — Aussie fashion does reflect a sense of national identity and tradition und even today, most Aussies dress like criminals who have just spent two years in the bowels of a sailing ship.
Diet
If you're a normal, healthy guy like me, then every five to seven days or so, you vill need to eat something. Zis can be a problem in Australia, unless, also like me, you're bulimic. In zis case, you vill love ze staple Oz foods of bugs, kangaroo und Vegemite, vhich are all so easy to throw up. By ze vay, ich am not exactly sure how zey officially make Vegemite, but after spending a "dirty veekend" at Manly Beach wit Eric Bana's body double, ich had something very similar seeping from mein arschenhaller for three days.
Nightlife
Zere is plenty of good entertainment to be seen in Australia, because luckily bands and theatre companies from other countries stop off here as part of zeir tours. Also, in terms of home-grown talent, Australia has of course given ze vorld many icons — for example, Kylie, whose career is now back on track after her harrowing and very public battle wit tone deafness.
Und zere's Russell Crowe, who has broken down Australian stereotypes by, in
Gladiator, playing a character who's a gay sex symbol und in
A Beautiful Mind, playing a character who's got a brain. Und let's not forget ze incredible Nicole Kidman — vhen ich saw her in ze movie
Australia, ich vas glued to mein seat (literally — othervise I'd have walked out).
Wildlife
Australia is, of course, known for its amazing und varied vildlife, und zere are many types of snakes, crocodiles, kangaroos, koalas und exotic birds. The best places to see these creatures, are at a barbecue, vhere Aussies vill cook anything, or on ze runways of European fashion shows, vhere zey make some of the vorld's finest clothes, bags und shoes.
Another animal you might come across in Australia is the dingo. Zese poor creatures have been blamed for many crimes committed in the past 50 years — including 12 baby abductions, 25 murders und hacking into ze National Australia Bank's database und stealing ze credit card details of more zan 12,000 customers.
Sport
Australians love zeir sports! Zere's tennis — vhich involves hitting a ball really hard at your opponent; rugby — vhich involves holding a ball and running really hard at your opponent; cricket — vhich involves throwing a ball really hard at your opponent; und Aussie rules football — vhich involves all of ze above und also punching und kicking your opponents in ze face und making abusive remarks about zeir girlfriends.
My favourite Australian sporting star is ze cricket legend, Merv Hughes, not so much for his skills, but because he was not afraid to openly display his gayness by growing zat magnificent moustache. In Austria, ze size of a guy's moustache is code for ze size of zeir schvantz. Shane Warne told me zat zis rule also applies to Merv Hughes, und zat vhen he bats, ze bowler basically has four stumps to aim at.
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