RALPH bludger Chris Ryan hits the piss in the south of France. Without a wallet.
THERE are a lot of ways to celebrate your
birthday. My last one was spent wandering the streets about ritzy French resort town Cannes shopping for a
dunny seat with dog shit on my shoes.
A year earlier, I scored a gig as unit manager on a film being made in Alice Springs. My primary responsibilities involved brewing coffee and towing a
portaloo.
Despite my involvement, the little movie called
Samson and Delilah went on to be a huge success. It even got accepted into the uppity Cannes Film
Festival.
Walk the walk, drink the drinks
I managed to scam accreditation as a journalist for the festival, which meant I could watch flicks for free, so I lobbed into
Japanese film
Air Doll. The movie was about a blow-up doll that comes to life, only to die alone on a garbage heap. The poignant tale explored the hidden dreams of
sex toys. I’ll never look at an adult shop the same way again – and I’ll never go to a Japanese flick again.
As a “journalist”, I was also invited to welcome drinks with Screen Australia, the government’s film funding body. I forgot the welcome part but grabbed the drinks.
While other journos bailed up film producers, I bailed up the barman.
Red carpet and white lies
THE next day Martin Scorsese and I watched a film together – with 2298 other people. It was the premiere of
Bright Star, starring
Aussie actress Abbie Cornish. On the way to the screening, photographers snapped away furiously. Before I could say "I'm not Brad Pitt" they handed me business cards, so I could buy the photos from their store.
Pissing on after premieres
THE day after, it was the
Samson and Delilah premiere. The film - about a petrol-
sniffing kid who finds redemption through love - was received well.
After the screening, there were celebratory drinks. Nobody questioned my presence, perhaps thinking I’d be handy if they needed a toilet.
Once again, I was drinking but wasn’t buying. If a mate did this in Australia, I’d call him a scab, but in Cannes it seemed acceptable. Actually, with beers costing $15, it seemed compulsory.
Tight-arse tips for the French Riviera
Dress up
Pull on a tux and join the bunch of desperados holding signs asking for tickets to screenings.
Camp out
You can get a camping site outside of Cannes for around $150 a week. Pretty expensive for a patch of
grass, but it's cheap as chips compared to the thousands you’ll get stung for in town.
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What's a good tight arse tip when travelling overseas? Let us know in the comments section below.
