What's in store for the weeks ahead.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Things look bright and a chance to make a difference is apparent. You will head to the top of the tipping comp.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Concentrate on holding onto what you have, instead of getting more. Save money on hair impants; shave your chest and stick it on your head.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Conditions are confusing now. Too many changes going on. Best to go to bed, and sleep through it.
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
It's time you open up about your emotional problems. Have thirty or so beers, tell your mates about your relationship worries, then bottle up for another six months.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You should be in a pretty good mood, except for financial problems. Avoid spending money, and find enjoyment getting back to nature. Or invest heavily in the greyhounds.
Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Don't be alarmed if some people you know seem to be quite agitated. It's just because they find you annoying.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
Someone mysterious is looking forward to meeting you. Careful you don't get hurt - they are carrying a baseball bat.
Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21)
Conditions are not yet suitable for any risky behavior. Avoid contact with rabid griffins, feral unicorns, and drunk girlfriends.
Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21)
Expect a big change soon. In the weather that is. You're life will continue to be fairly miserable.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19)
Keep reading, practicing and studying a new skill. There will be a surprising amount of work for unicyclists in the economic downturn.
Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Sometimes when you look at a problem from a different angle, you'll realise it's not a problem at all. Especially if the new angle is through the bottom of a beer glass.
Pisces (Feb 19-March 20)
If a trusted friend asks you to do something for them, and it involves concrete and funnels, just say no.
• Is our fortune teller any better than the mugs in most papers? Leave your comment below.
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