Stand-up bloke Dave Hughes drawls to RALPH about slaughterhouses and being slaughtered on stage.
You’re in the middle of a stand-up tour — enjoying it?
An hour out from gigs you’re thinking, “Why the
f-k do I put myself through this,” but once you’re on stage, you’re laughing and it’s a joy.
Do you have any rituals before a show?
I’ll have jelly snakes. My rider is two Red Bulls, a few bottles of water and some Snakes Alive or Starburst snakes. That’s as far as I go. Or maybe some chocolates. That’s rock’n’roll, right there.
What’s the worst audience you’ve performed in front of?
I did the Edinburgh festival years ago and they had this room called Late and Live. It was advertised as, “Come to the comedy abattoir,” so the audience are looking for blood. The MC was going, “Just relax out there, man. Don’t take it to heart.” I’m like, “Mate, it’s a f–king
comedy night. What’s going to happen that I’d take to heart?” Anyway, I walked out there, said two words, and the whole crowd started to chant, “F–k off Aussie, f–k off!” There was very little I could do. I got a laugh when I said, “You people disgust me,” but they were happy they disgusted me. I couldn’t really do jokes after that.
How do you deal with being a celebrity?
It’s not as if I left the Big Brother house, or had a big MySpace
party that got out of control. I gradually got used to it.
You used to work in an abattoir. What was the hardest thing about that gig?
Just washing the blood off a sheep
carcass for eight hours a day when you’ve got eczema is not good, and your hands are cracking open on the cold mornings. You’re so bored staring at a wall all day, watching sheep carcasses go past. I would just try to, this is odd, but I would try to get erections — not at the sheep, I’d think of girls and see how many times I could get erections during the day. That’s very weird, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s
RALPH, though.
Is that what drove you to become a vego?
No, I’m just good at giving shit up. I’ve given up porn. I’ve gone off everything.
What was hardest to give up — porn, beer, or meat?
They were all hard. Porn’s almost the hardest because it’s f–king everywhere. It’s so hard when you go to the computer and you don’t want to look up
porn and you know how much is at your fingertips — it’s definitely a tricky one. It can tilt all your day — you never get outside. There are probably blokes who are going to die of vitamin D deficiency because of internet porn.
Chris Ryan
What would you find the hardest to give up, Porn, Beer, or meat? enter your comments below.
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