The Yes Man

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

RALPH champ Dan Steiner wanted to say no to this crap assignment. But the T-shirt wouldn’t let him.

12:30pm
I'm busily "researching" clips of girls jelly wrestling on YouTube when our editor Santi calls me into his office. He hands me a T-shirt with the words "I'll say YES to anything" on the front. The "YES" is written in big fluoro letters. I can tell shit's about to get weird.

12:36pm
I put on the shirt. It’s a nice fit. Before I can ask what the deal is, art director Tim calls me over. "Would you enjoy getting coffees for everyone?" he asks. I'm about to explain that coffee-fetcher isn't in my job description when he points to the words on the shirt.
I mumble, "Yes."
I’m busy writing orders for triple mocha lattes and decaf half-twists that I know no-one actually wants when I’m asked if I want to taste some two-years-out-of-date cheese in a can. My head says, "Go root a boot," but my mouth says, "Yes."
I press out a mound of the rank gunk and the hairs in my nose tingle. It tastes horrible and reeks of unwashed arse.

1:12pm
I'm walking around the busy city mall directionless, looking for a coffee shop that probably doesn’t exist. I think about hitting the pub when a shoeshine bloke asks if I want to do some shining.
"Yes," I say meekly.
I start working on an old fella’s shoes and a group of cute girls walk by. “Shine it, baby!” they shout.
I feel like the shoeshine king.
Seconds later, the old gent gives me a reality check. "Mate, that’s the wrong brush," he says, clearly pissed off. "That’s the polish brush. Do you know what you’re doing?"
I give him my obligatory answer but the real shine man sends me packing.

Do you think you would be up to this challenge? Leave your comment below.