Code Breakers

Monday, April 28, 2008

To celebrate the Australia v New Zealand rugby league match, it's time to compare Oz's biggest footy codes on the stuff that matters most.

Human Headlines
Aussie Rules Fools (Winner)
Perhaps the tight shorts cut off circulation to his brain, but Warwick Capper, while firing cannon on the field, was a loose cannon off it. Everything from the blonde ape drape to crap single "I Only Take What's Mine" smacked of a media ho. Mark "Jacko" Jackson was equally notorious for yelling a lot, releasing crap songs like "My Brain Hurts" and being the face of Energizer batteries - a role in which he also yelled a lot.

Bum's The Word
From bastard Bulldogs to Mark Gaznier telling chicks to fire up, league blokes can't keep themselves out of strife when on the piss. But special judgement is reserved for former Manly and Wests Tigers bonehead John Hopoate, who didn't need a dozen schooners to come a cropper. His "stinkfinger into rival players' arses" move was a dog act.

Eccentric Coaches
Ron Brings It On
Ron Barassi's coaching reign saw him known as a top bloke who used fire and brimstone to get his Melbourne and North Melbourne teams across the line. Essendon legend Kevin Sheedy had more strings to his coaching bow, but most involved strange publicity stunts, waving his jacket around like a maniac and gibbering in press conference.

Tommy Gun (Winner)
Tommy Raudonikas was known to smash windows and nail dripping bullock hearts to dressing room walls to inspire players to do the hard yards. Roy Masters fuelled the Fibros v Silvertails mentality in the late '70s, getting Wests players to slap each other senseless in the sheds. When they weren't punching on, Masters had them singing "The Impossible Dream" before the game. Genius.