The Melbourne International Comedy Festival starts tomorrow and runs until April 26. To get your funny bone primed, we’ve got the funniest gags by the 10 funniest blokes there.
Stephen K Amos
I did a gig in Adelaide. What year is it in Adelaide, as the
mullet is alive and well?
I asked a train guard if this train goes to the city. He said, “It goes to the moon.” I told him there’s no need to be so rude. The train guard said, “There’s no need to be a poof.”
Adam Hills
My driver’s licence states I must wear an
artificial foot whilst driving. My Irish friend looked at it and said, “It doesn’t say where.”
We were almost colonised by the Dutch, as they arrived in the 1600s in a part of Western Australia where the desert meets the ocean. They got off their ships and said, “This is ridiculous, we can’t grow marijuana crops here.”
Arj Barker
I just got a top of the line iPod and it has 160 gigabytes of
storage in it. Yeah that’s right; I like to jog for three and a half weeks at a time.
It’s alright; I can sip on my 500 gallon of PowerAde which I tow behind on a rickshaw.
Danny Bhoy
Did you know a crocodile can stay still in one spot for up to eight hours? Probably waiting for some German backpacker.
I hate these people who give you advice about dangerous animals. They say if you see an angry bear, pretend to be dead. You won’t be pretending for long.
A crocodile is also faster than a horse over 100m. I’m not sure how they worked that out.
Dylan Moran
When you’re young you can do anything like drink battery acid, wake up then have a fight and your hangovers aren’t so bad then. They’re like bailiffs, “You were very very stupid last night, now get up.”
You measure what a good
time you had by much it f**ks you up. You get ripped, shitfaced and wake up tomorrow and someone says, “How was last night?” It was fantastic. I can’t see.
At my primary school, my PE teacher was my English
teacher, Science teacher and Maths teacher. Jack of all trades, master of f**k all.
Eddie Ifft
People yell at me about the war, because I’m American. I say, “What war? There’s a war going on. They don’t tell us about that in America. Do you mean the one about K Fed and Britney, because that’s crazy? Who’s going to get the baby?
Everyone says America only went to war over the oil. You never bought printer ink? Anyone who has ever bought ink or toner knows dollar for dollar it’s the most expensive stuff in the world. I think it’s made by blood and tears of young Cambodian children.
Will Anderson
I read that Lleyton and Bec Hewitt are our new royal family. They’re really our new Warwick and Joanne Capper.
The Australian flag should have every other countries flag on it and it should be one of those 3D ones with Don Bradman riding Phar Lap.
Dave Hughes
I’ve got a blanket rule, no exes at my house. My wife’s ex-boyfriend is tall, fit, good looking and 10 years younger than me. I don’t need losers like that hanging around.
My ex rang me after we broke up and said she’s found someone else and he makes her laugh. I said, “Were you faking that as well?”
Akmal
Imagine being an Arab American who generally wants his pilot licence.
Fat chance. Try carpentry, Mustafa.
I’ve wanted to get 35 of my friends, dress up as Arabs and hang out at the airport. Then go up and ask security in my best Arab accent, when are you turning off the metal detectors?
Russell Kane
We always have to wait until we’re hammered until we can chat up a girl. We’ll be at an office party, we just keep on drinking and drinking until we’re numb enough and say, “I don’t care what it is, but I just want to shove something up you.”
My mum always speaks to me before I go on stage. It’s like snorting a line of Imodium.
Who do you think is the funniest? Leave your comment below.
Saxon Cheng
Super hot slideshows
Chicks of the Trade
Weird and wacky sports
Check out the Insider's Guide to Melbourne
Competition
Win a pair of Dirty Dog sunnies
Win tickets for you and nine mates to 2009 RALPH ASMY Grand Final
