Golden rules of barbecuing

• Make sure the barbie has come up to the right temperature before you put anything on it. If the temperature is too low your food will stick and the meat will stew and become tough.

• Try the "Tongmaster Hand Test". Depending on how long you can keep your hand just above the cooking surface (above it, you idiot, not on it) will determine how hot the barbie is:

  One second (or less) = very hot fire (315C+)
  Two seconds = hot fire (260-345C)
  Three seconds = medium-hot fire (230-280C)
  Four seconds = medium fire (200-260C)
  Five seconds = low-medium fire (150-200C)
  Six seconds (or more) = low fire (anywhere up to 150C)
  

• Before you use a new barbecue you must season it. And no, that doesn't mean sprinkling it with salt and pepper. Light the barbecue and let it heat up for an hour or so. Then turn it off and, when it has cooled, wipe it down with a few old rags to remove any residue from the manufacturing process.

• Like shoe shopping with the missus, cleaning the barbecue can be a real pain in the arse, but it just has to be done. If you can be bothered it's best done straight after cooking, but most blokes will end up doing it just before it needs to be used again.

• Heat up the barbie and use a wire brush and warm water, never detergent, to scrape off any remnants from last time, then wipe it down with a damp cloth. Beer can be used but, if you’re going to be wasteful, at least use light beer.

• Marinades are a great way to add extra flavour and moisture to meat and fish. But leftover marinade can contain more bacterial nasties than Courtney Love’s laundry basket, so if you’re going to use it as a sauce, you need to boil it up on the wok burner first.

• Blokes just can't help themselves when they've got a pair of tongs in their hands – they'll flip a cooking steak every 10 seconds if given the chance. Do everything you can to resist this in-built urge. When cooking a steak on a grill plate flip it only once and move it once through 90 degrees on each side to create fancy criss-cross grill marks. That's it. No more. Stop it, put down the tongs and step away from the steak.

• Don't overload the barbie or you'll find everything cooking at an uneven rate. If you're cooking for the whole footy team, find a way to keep cooked stuff warm. Keep the barbie at a constant temperature by cooking manageable batches.

• Resist the temptation to be a prick and stick a fork into your snags while they're cooking. All this does is let the flavour pour out, leaving you with snags with all the taste and texture of old rope. If they look like they’ll burst move them to a cooler part of the barbie.

• Summer in Australia has enough fires without you adding to it. Small flare-ups on the barbie aren't usually a problem – they're what add that delicious barbecue flavour to your meat. However, if your grill plate is sending forth serious-sized flames you'll need to take control of it. Move foods out of the fire to another part of the grill. Once you've cleared the area of food, let the flare-up burn out. Don't toss your beer onto it and never use water on a fat fire. If it's a large fire, you may need to turn off the burners.

• Like a good tradesman a good barbie cook is judged by his tools. Here's what you need to be a true Tongmaster.

  Tongs – obviously.
  Metal spatula – ideal for turning fish on the barbie.
  Basting brush – for marinades. Essential if you’re cooking ribs.
  Grill fork – handy for lifting big slabs of meat off the barbie, and useful to keep at bay the annoying tosser who wants to take over.

• Just like a demanding girlfriend, a gas bottle can be lethal if neglected. Barbecue gas bottles should be tested and stamped at least every 10 years. Check hoses for cracks or other damage regularly. Check gas cylinders and connections for leaks by covering the connection in soapy water and looking for air bubbles. If there are bubbles turn off the cylinder and try reconnecting. If it still bubbles, head down to the local barbie shop and get it replaced.

These recipes are from RALPH, The Tongmaster, ACP Books, $24.95, available at selected newsagents, bookstores and at www.acpbooks.com.au

Photography: Paul Suesse