Melbourne Victory striker Archie Thompson talks about the Socceroos, A-League and Tim Cahill being an annoying prick.
What do you blokes do for laugh?
We take the piss all the time. We’re so competitive with anything. H [Harry Kewell], Emo [Brett Emerton] and [Dave] Carney played golf yesterday and Carney was talking himself up like he’s Tiger [Woods]. He was shithouse. The boys smashed him, gave him plenty of shit and now he’s getting their lunch and dinners for the next day. It’s always on. We’re not really a mature group.
Can you believe Lucas Neill still gets attention from the ladies even after stuffing up against Italy?
He’s a good-looking boy. I reckon if I was a woman I’d probably chase him too. He’s a gentleman and women like gentleman.
How long before you take over from Viduka as our main striker?
Stuff that, I just want a bloody game (laughs). I’m just happy to get on the pitch.
You were born in NZ and your mum is from Papua New Guinea. How’d you end up playing for Australia?
I was three weeks old when I came to Australia. It’s my home; mum is naturalised and it’s always been the country I wanted to play for.
Couldn’t get a start in the NZ line-up, eh?
(Laughs) Mate, I reckon I’d be bloody captain-coach over there.
You’ve played under Frank Farina, Guus Hiddink and Graham Arnold. Who gets pissed off the easiest?
Guus. He’s an angry Dutchman. The bloke lives and breathes football and if things aren’t going his way he gets fired up quickly.
Has John Kosmina strangled anyone over breakfast?
(Laughs) Nah, but if Musky [Kevin Muscat] had been over here he’d jump across the table and grab him by the neck. I’m not giving Kosy any shit about last year’s A-League final either. I’m only a little bloke and couldn’t handle myself very well if he retaliated.
You predicted a hat-trick in the last A-League final. Why?
Because I’ve got a bloody big mouth. I’m a PR disaster.
Then you end up scoring five.
Yeah, I was wrong. It was a good wrong, but it was an unbelievable night. Any other day I would’ve shanked most of those but they came off sweetly. I tell ya, I’ve worn out the rewind button on my video at home – I can tell you exactly what minutes I score.
Can the Victory win it again this year?
Yeah def... there goes my big mouth again. I’m just hoping the team does well and that I’ll be up there with the goal scorers.
That’s a shitty standard answer.
Boring, eh? OK, I want to be top goal scorer with at least 20.
Tell us about the 2002 World Cup qualifier against American Samoa where you scored a world record 13 goals in Australia’s 32-0 win.
The strangest game I’ve ever played. They were just shiiiit and didn’t even know how to kick off. Still, it’s something special I’ll always have.
You must have heaps of adoring female fans?
Not at all. I’m a happily married man. I’m not as handsome as Lucas, so I don’t get the attention he does. But I’ve signed a bit of cleavage.
Is it OK to have sex on game day?
Nah mate, I never do. Even the day before the game I try not to because the legs get heavy around that 50-60 [minute] mark. I try to keep as much testosterone in as I can.
Are you superstitious before a game?
I’ve gotta make sure I take a shit before I go out there, that’s about as far as my superstitions go. Empty out, that’ll get me going. I do listen to Coldplay’s “Fix You” about six times before every game. It means so much to me because my son was born to this song and there were complications at his home birth. I almost lost him.
You’ve got a few tattoos, hey?
Yeah, I’ve got five. There’s a couple of Chinese signs, a coi fish on my arm and my kids Isabella [five] and Axel [two] – they’re most important. The shop told me what the Chinese stuff all meant but it could mean sweet and sour sauce for all I bloody know.
What do your kids think of their superstar dad?
Every time Axel watches football on TV he’s like, “Daddy, daddy, daddy,” and I’m not even playing. With Bella, I always tell her I’ll do something like blow her a little kiss or give her a little wave. She imitates my kicking and kung-fu goal celebrations.
Do you ever get mistaken for anyone?
Mundine. An 80-year-old lady came up to me and was like, “How you going Choc?” I met him at the airport once. I like his attitude.
Who’s the most famous person on your mobile?
Timmy [Cahill]. He’s a good mate and I harass him sometimes when I’m pissed. He’ll ring me out of the blue and leave a message and he’ll be f–king half-tanked, and when I’m tanked I’ll leave a drunken message.
Speaking of Cahill, what post-goal celebrations do you have in your repertoire these days?
Well there’s all the karate and the kung-fu, which Timmy took off me; he added all his shit and now gets all the praise for it. I also do a little dance one of the boys pulled out on a night out once.
Any others coming up you reckon Cahill will nick?
I’m planning on whipping out a black velvet G-string after a goal but I’m not sure if he’d copy me. I’ll give it a shot and see what he does. It’d be worth a yellow card.
Have you got a message for him for ripping off your celebration?
Wait, he’s just walked into the room.
Cahill: Who is it? What’s going on?
Archie: It’s
RALPH, mate.
Cahill: What the f–k are they asking about me?
Archie: Shut up man, f–kin’ hell. Sorry mate. I said he could take the celebration. It’s for our kids anyway, so it’s all good.
(There’s a struggle, buttons are pressed, it goes to speaker phone).
Is he trying to kibosh the interview?
Cahill: F–k off.
Archie: Yeah mate, this is what he does. He tries to take all my glory.
(More struggling noises, more buttons pressed. Phone hangs up).
From the RALPH archives, August '07 edition.
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