RALPH bludger Chris Ryan hits the piss in the south of France. Without a wallet.
THERE are a lot of ways to celebrate your
birthday. My last one was spent wandering the streets about ritzy French resort town Cannes shopping for a
dunny seat with dog shit on my shoes.
A year earlier, I scored a gig as unit manager on a film being made in Alice Springs. My primary responsibilities involved brewing coffee and towing a
portaloo.
Despite my involvement, the little movie called
Samson and Delilah went on to be a huge success. It even got accepted into the uppity Cannes Film
Festival.
Walk the walk, drink the drinks
I managed to scam accreditation as a journalist for the festival, which meant I could watch flicks for free, so I lobbed into
Japanese film
Air Doll. The movie was about a blow-up doll that comes to life, only to die alone on a garbage heap. The poignant tale explored the hidden dreams of
sex toys. I’ll never look at an adult shop the same way again – and I’ll never go to a Japanese flick again.
As a “journalist”, I was also invited to welcome drinks with Screen Australia, the government’s film funding body. I forgot the welcome part but grabbed the drinks.
While other journos bailed up film producers, I bailed up the barman.
Red carpet and white lies
THE next day Martin Scorsese and I watched a film together – with 2298 other people. It was the premiere of
Bright Star, starring
Aussie actress Abbie Cornish. On the way to the screening, photographers snapped away furiously. Before I could say "I'm not Brad Pitt" they handed me business cards, so I could buy the photos from their store.
Pissing on after premieres
THE day after, it was the
Samson and Delilah premiere. The film - about a petrol-
sniffing kid who finds redemption through love - was received well.
After the screening, there were celebratory drinks. Nobody questioned my presence, perhaps thinking I’d be handy if they needed a toilet.
Once again, I was drinking but wasn’t buying. If a mate did this in Australia, I’d call him a scab, but in Cannes it seemed acceptable. Actually, with beers costing $15, it seemed compulsory.
Tight-arse tips for the French Riviera
Dress up
Pull on a tux and join the bunch of desperados holding signs asking for tickets to screenings.
Camp out
You can get a camping site outside of Cannes for around $150 a week. Pretty expensive for a patch of
grass, but it's cheap as chips compared to the thousands you’ll get stung for in town.
To read the full story, buy the August 09 edition of RALPH. On sale now at newsagents.
What's a good tight arse tip when travelling overseas? Let us know in the comments section below.
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