The world’s most extreme holidays are perfect if you need a break... your leg, for instance.
Have an ice day
What? Ice diving. Yep, under ice.
Where? A 28-hour train ride from Moscow, north all the way to the White Sea.
Why? To boldly go where few other men have been, and see some exotic shit, including freaky jellyfish, bizarre coral and whacked-out plants that are "like some 1960s hallucinogenic art installation", according to a journo who took the trip recently. Or maybe he was just tripping.
Why not? Extreme ball-sack-shrivelling temperatures. In the northern winters, the temperature plummets as low as -40 degrees.
How could I die? You could lose your way back to the hole you jumped into, meaning you get cryogenically frozen, then, once global warming’s properly taken hold circa 4013, defrost and get spat out somewhere near where the polar icecap used to be. Or you could just fly dodgy Russki airline Aeroflot.
I’m in. Now what? Hit Moscow, then it’s a flight to Murmansk, or a marathon train ride to Chupa. Test the water with the RuDive Group at www.dive.ru/english – prices from about $2350.
Squeals on wheels
What? It’s mountain biking, with a twist. A shitload of twists, actually.
Where? Yungas Road, Bolivia, between La Paz and Coroico.
Why? This single-track road, which climbs (or descends, if you’re plummeting to Earth at the time) 3600m in 65km, has steep mountain to one side and sheer drop to the other. That means the views are bloody beaut.
Why not? It copped the tag Death Road in 1995, after all the vehicles that have hurtled down the cliff face. One estimate has as many as 300 punters killed along the road every year. And you’re going to be on it for at least five hours, with just a pair of bike shorts for protection. You do the odds.
How could I die? Easily. Plenty of other people have, cyclists included. And nobody’s guaranteeing you’ll land in a bed of coca leaves.
I’m in. Now what? You can ride the optimistically named Death Row Conqueror trip with www.bside-adventures.com. You even get a T-shirt at the end, so you can brag about it down the pub. If you don’t score a root from this, you must look like Kochie.
Gulag getaways
What? Hard-labour camping in a Gulag – those old-school Soviet Union-style penal camps.
Where? Vorkuta, Siberia.
Why? Sadists can fork out for a "reality holiday" to experience the slave-labour camps Stalin sent a million people to back in the '30s.
Why not? The authentic experience will comes with watchtowers, armed guards, rabid dogs, barbed wire, shit food and, yes, forced labour. The only difference is deserters will apparently get sprayed with paintballs instead of bullets.
How could I die? Apart from another Aeroflot flight, exhaustion, starvation and rabies are all pretty high up the list.
I’m in. Now what? The full experience is pending, so give yourself a Gulag taster with a day’s excursion to Gulag camp Perm-36 for about $320. Check out www.transsibirskaya.com.
Gorilla thriller
What? Rub shoulders with 200kg mountain gorillas on safari.
Where? The Volcanoes National Park, Rwanda.
Why? “The thrill and excitement when meeting these gentle giants cannot be explained,” according to trip organisers JK Safaris. They could at least try, the lazy f–ks.
Why not? Endangered? Yes. Dangerous? Too f–king right. If you fancy making YouTube history, try clambering into the gorilla enclosure at your local zoo (er, we don’t really mean that). Genocide went out of fashion in Rwanda more than 10 years ago, but try telling the gorillas that.
How could I die? You’ve played Donkey Kong, right? Those gorillas chuck a mean barrel. Alternatively, you might cop a garrotte to the throat from poachers, like Seppo Gorillas In The Mist primatologist Dian Fossey in 1985.
I’m in. Now what? You have to make your own way to Kigali – primate rates start at about $3400. Do some grunt work with www.gorillasafaris.net.
What's the most dangerous holiday you've been on? Let us know in the comments section below.
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