Flip death the finger and learn how to survive flash floods, mine shafts, chick flicks, and the outback.
Flash flood
We live in a sunburnt country, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be wary of floods. As soon as you see water rushing your way, call 000 for help, but don't use the landline or you'll risk electrocution.
If the water is shallow enough to walk through, brave it and move to higher ground. Before doing so, try to grab the following in a bag — flashlight and batteries, rope, radio, first-aid kit, packaged food, water (or other drinks), whistle, Girls of RALPH mag.
If you can't get out of your house, get off the floor. If possible, climb onto your roof.
On the roof, try to get the attention of a rescue crew by blowing the whistle, waving your arms or yelling out. If you're Jason Bourne, use your parkour skills to jump from roof to roof until you find yourself in the next town. Then man a helicopter, return to the flooded area and save everyone.
Falling down a mine shaft
If you find yourself stuck down a mine shaft, Chilean or otherwise, try and get to a raised platform, or climb to one of the horizontal workings off the shaft, called drifts or galleries.
Lie flat and rest your body to prevent dehydration and keep your breathing steady as oxygen will be in low supply.
Explore your surroundings. Many shafts, big or small, have multiple compartments and one of these will be used for emergency exits; it may house an auxiliary cage or a system of ladders.
As an extra preventative measure, keep a canary in your pocket. As long as Tweetie's alive, you know there are no poisonous gases in the air. Not the sort of bird you wanted under your arm, but useful nonetheless. If the canary carks it though, you're in trouble.
Lost in the outback
Get up high to suss out the landscape. Once you know where you want to head, make an arrow out of branches or rocks, showing the direction you're going. This will help rescue choppers or Skippy find you.
The Kimberley region of WA averages about 30°C during the day. Ordinarily, your sweat would help keep you cool, but with humidity levels as high as 100 percent, the wet air means perspiration won't evaporate and you'll be hotter than Megan Gale's licence photo.
To stay hydrated, drink your own urine like Bear Grylls. It's 95 percent water and sterile when it comes out. But drink it quick or bacteria will contaminate it. If you can find a trickle of water, trace its source and you may find it's from an underground spring, meaning it's pure and good to drink. And better tasting than urine.
Your other priority is shade. Until you find a boulder, cave or eucalyptus tree, make a hat out of a singlet (don't remove your shirt) or boxers. Pee on them first for added coolness.
McDonald's outlets are in short supply, so get ready to dine on rock figs, crucifix spiders and whatever other insects you can find. Snakes are also on the menu, but make sure you prepare them right.
At night, the temperature drops by almost half and the area is prone to thunderstorms and flash flooding. While the water will be a welcome change, ensure the place you spend the night is elevated or risk getting washed into the river — where the crocs hang out.
Jump out of a moving car
In this scenario, you need to be opportunistic. At some point, the driver will have to slow down — whether they're taking a corner, stopping for a red light or checking out a stacked hottie.
When you feel the driver apply the brakes, open the door facing away from the traffic and aim for a spot without objects that could do you serious damage.
Tuck your chin into your chest, cradle your head in your hands and go for it. Jump, don't fall; otherwise there's a chance you might get caught under the rear wheels.
The car's momentum will cause you to roll for a while, so cross your fingers and hope you tumble right into the nearest pub. They may reward your heroics with a free beer.
Stranded in the snow
Besides frostbite and hypothermia, the main danger is avalanches. If you're on an incline, make your way to a flat area, preferably with minimal snow build-up. And don't yell. That'll end badly.
Wind chill can make things even frostier, so wear all the clothing you have. Put on a hat and gloves, and keep your shoes and socks dry, so your extremities aren't exposed. Keep clear of frostbite by regularly moving your hands, feet and face muscles. If you're paranoid about permanent shrinkage, rub your genitals to keep the blood flowing.
Make a snow cave for shelter. Pile up enough white stuff to comfortably fit inside and hollow it out. You don't want to cop an icy blast to the face in the middle of the night, so have the entrance facing a mountain.
You need to remain hydrated, but eating snow will lower your body temperature and blister your mouth. If you have a clean container, chuck some snow in there, slip it inside your jacket and take a drink once it's melted.
Only leave the snow cave once the wind is calm and the risk of a blizzard is low. This can take a couple days. Use that time to imagine what you're gonna do to the dickhead back at the ski lodge who gave you the wrong directions to the pub.
Watching a chick flick
Keep your favourite beer ready. The only thing more daunting than your girl pulling out How to Make an American Quilt and is handing over Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants 2. This is when a little dutch courage is needed which also justifies frequent trips to the bathroom (and to get that secret hip flask).
Show your sensitive side. Whether it's carrying pre-dampened tissues in your pocket or reaching for saline drops, you can get huge brownie points shedding a tear at the right moment.
Keep up with the footy/cricket score with the radio in your digital music player. Plug in one earphone and you won't miss a thing when Kate Hudson or Sarah Jessica Parker finally gets her man. Remember, yelling out "come on Tigers" or "you beauty" during the game and a love scene will blow your cover.
An extra limb helps. A comforting hug can mean the world when Drew Barrymore or Sandra Bullock gets dumped. Sew a third arm into a hoodie and fill it with old T-shirts. Drape it around her shoulder, pull the hoodie over your face and have a snooze.
As on a first date, when stuck for something to say, ask a question. Not "WTF?" but rather "how do you feel about that?" If you are still not sure, just agree. It may seem like you've lost the battle, but you may just win the war.
Don't say how attractive the heroine is — even if Jessica Biel steps out in lingerie and your girl insists she's a hottie. It's a trick to slip up the amateur. Don't be a hero and say "not as hot as you", she'll see right through it. Best to shut up and pass the chocolate.
Car roll
Car accidents are quick and brutal, so you need to act fast. Take your feet off the pedals and push them as hard as you can into the floor. Grab the wheel tightly at three and nine o'clock and position your body as far back into the seat as possible, with your neck and head upright against the headrest. Tense your muscles as if a cute babe was walking past.
If the car lands upright, steer it away from any obstacles before braking. If it doesn't, you're probably hanging upside down, battered and bruised. Think before you undo your seatbelt, so you don't land on your head. And remember that airbags emit a hot gas when deployed. Like politicians.
Depending on the severity of the accident, your door might work. If it's jammed, try winding down or breaking through the window.
Just because you're out doesn't mean you're safe. Get away from the car in case there's a fuel leak that could lead to an explosion.
Gorilla attack
An angry gorilla is pretty easy to spot. They're loud and tend to pound the ground and jump up and down a lot.
Gorillas aren't territorial, but that doesn't mean you should get up in their grill. Yelling back, staring 'em down or dishing out a backhander won't help things. Stay calm and quiet.
It might be hard to keep your cool if the gorilla makes a "bluff charge", which is something they do to intimidate potential threats, but try your best. The big bastard will advance, scream and flail about. Just think happy thoughts and crouch down, so you appear less threatening.
If you get attacked, it's gonna hurt. Expect to be bitten, slapped and clawed. Cop it sweet because fighting back will only piss off the beast more and make the beating worse.
Here's where things get kinky. Gorillas love grooming, so while you're in its clutches, gently stroke its arm, attend to its fur or touch its hand. This should relax the primate. At no point try to escape.
Shut up and chill until the gorilla lets go and loses interest in using you as a stress ball.
Bungee cord snap
The cord is most likely to break at the bottom of your jump, since that's when it's under maximum pressure. You'll have a couple of seconds at most to prepare for an unscheduled swim.
Put your legs and feet together, with toes pointing upwards.
Tuck your chin snugly into your chest and resist the urge to check out the deep blue. Go chin up and be prepared to take a hit that feels like it was thrown by Mike Tyson wearing concrete gloves.
With your body straight, place your arms in a diving position and make fists. They'll break the water's surface when you make impact.
On entering the drink, spread your arms and legs to slow your momentum. The last thing you want is to slam headfirst into a sea urchin.
Resurface and wave for help. Unless you meet a redheaded mermaid princess with a lovely singing voice.
Your say: What's your ultimate survival tip?
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