Ultimate inventions we wish existed (that don't)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The boffins can put a man on the moon but they still haven't designed a ute with a motor that can double as a barbie or cloned a supermodel or even an Aussie flag that's wholly Australian. RALPH dreams up the greatest inventions a bloke could want.

1. A ute that doubles as a barbecue
Utes are great for carting around your chainsaw or cattle dog but that ain't going to help on a long trip through the bush. Before you go all Wolf Creek on some hapless backpackers, this beauty will allow you to use that heat from the engine to power the grill for some much-needed snags or roadkill.

2. Breathalyser on your mobile phone
Every bloke has a tale of woe after waking up with more than a monster hangover. Remember that call you made to your ex-GF at 3am somewhere between being thrown out of the club and ordering the extra chilli on your falafel at the kebab shop. Hazy on the details? Well, wait for the return call or check your "sent messages". With this invention, certain numbers will be off-limits after you've blown into the little nozzle on your phone. This is a lifesaver and will save many a relationship.

3. Beer gut-busting beer
RALPH gets jack of seeing everything we love being put on the no-go list. Come on scientists, the amber fluid is as Australian as a meat pie. Do better than a low-carb alternative — we want minus-carb beer because that extra spare tyre at the beach is looking kind of '70s.

4. Human cloning (more specifically supermodel cloning)
Who needs another replica of Dolly the sheep? They all pretty much look the same anyway. How about working on a production line of Gisele Bündchen or Jennifer Hawkins clones? How hard can it be to up the ratio of super-babes so every bloke has a shot?

5. Teleporter pod (with cupholder)
It's had a lot of bad press creating half-men/half-flies but it still has a lot of potential. Think how you can ring the missus from the pub and say you are on your way home and actually mean it. Just make it a one-way teleporter. You don't want her turning up unexpectedly when you're making some headway with the barmaid.

6. A flying car that actually works
We get excited every time those two words — "flying" and "car" — are put together. So where is it? Seems ever since the invention of the car, there has been talk of a flying car. The latest promise comes from the white coats at Terrafugia in Wisconsin in the US. They have been tinkering with a "roadable aircraft" called the Transition since 2006. They say it works but we can't get a test "drive" until 2012 and the cost of one is quarter of a million bucks.

7. Combo beer and nachos hat
We've worn the beer hat, we've worn the nacho hat. Why not combine the two so we can get through the next screening of Julia Roberts' Eat Pray Love with our better half? That's one marriage we would say "I do" to.

8. Toilet with retractable plasma TV screen
Don't get any peace going to the can? Can't watch Scarface for the 20th time? Tired of flipping through that dog-eared copy of RALPH? Then just pull around the screen and flush away your troubles.

9. A time machine
We don't need to go back as far as cave men or disco, but just enough to bet on the winner of last year's Melbourne Cup or when a boozy lunch was tax deductible. Or maybe when we saw Midnight Oil at Selina's at the Coogee Bay Hotel in 1987.

10. An Aussie flag that's Aussie
RALPH loves Australia but we hate the Poms after they beat us in the Ashes. It's time for us to take back our flag. Drop the Union Jack from our flag. If they want to wave it about, let them do it. It's time to break ties. C'mon Aussies!

Michael Williams

Your say: What invention would you like to see created?

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User comments

Seriously, haven't you even thought of the fact that they are much larger in population and founded us, yet we are much smaller and younger (obviously from my last statement) and yet we give them such a small section of our flag for our thanks. Then regularly, if not massively dominatingly (if such a word does exist) thrash them in every sport that counts to the vast majority of us (clearly soccer is not counted here). Isn't that just a 'big cop that and suck it up' that we throw at them over and over again (and the over and over works well for cricket as other sports). I honestly think wake up and think, 'They sent us convicts, our country turned that into the best country on earth, thank god they didn't send up there snooty nose, big eared royalty' for we are truly free and better than them with such a small contribution, that without that contribution we would never have started at all !!!

If they were the aussie flag, the ONLY option i can think of is the Eureka flag! its about as aussie as you can get.

to JRC from Canberra... you're into all this denial of history talk, but you ignore the Aboriginals the original settlers of this country?? it's hilarious as you are the one mentioning sticking one's head in the sand but if you want the Union Jack on our flag then by your reasoning we should have the Aboriginal flag as well... Australia had a history before 1776 you know but the way you've just changed the past, it seems we didn't???

Why cant we make an oven where the door is on the side not going up and down. Come on inventors make this happen

to bob from sydney.... what did the article say Bob? if you want to wave a flag with another country's in the corner, then go do it.... the rest of us will be happy with a flag that represents modern Australia... not something from the 1700s....

I wish someone would invest a treadmill especially designed for overweight dogs

You are correct, we need to remember our past. Our history is the land not a bunch of plunderers. Both James Cook and Arthur Phillip were given explicit instructions by the king of England NOT to interfere in the lives of any native peoples. They lied and reported that there were no human beings on the continent, hence the lie of Terra Nullius. In 1992 the Mabo decision overturned this. Please don't forget that Aboriginal people were here BEFORE white people. Why not respect that in our flag.

id say leave the aussie flag as it stands yes the first white settlers were from uk something you damn aussies should be bloody danmed proud of for all that flag stands for we as aussies should be proud what about all those of the defence forces through 2 world wars and vietnam and other conflicts we have been proud to serve including those troops in afganistan that aussie flag stands proud for them as well as those whos freedom (yours mine and everyone elses included) they of the defence forces fought for and yes im an aussie born and bred

Biggest problem with changing the flag is, even if 51% want to change it, put up 51 different designs and we could still end up with 1% for each of those designs and 49% for what we have. Its really a no brainer, we will never have over 50% happy with a new BS design. And it does show part of our history good or bad, as per JRC.

Regardless of how much you may dislike England for whatever puerile & silly reason, a cricket match, there is no denying that for three quarters of its history Australia was created mainly by the efforts of Anglo and Irish settlers, both convict and free and it wasn't till after WWII there were substantial numbers of people from other countries. The Union Jack not only represents our origins as a former British colony but also as a testament to the people who helped create one of the greatest countries on earth. If it wasn't for British concept of parliamentary democracy we wouldn't be as free and tolerant as we are. Thank God we are not a republic like the USA, what a mess that country is in.

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