Bluff at poker, brew your own beer – it’s RALPH's guide to being a real man.
1 Bluff at poker
Study the table you're against and play with balls, as the game's at least 50 per cent "front". But remember, you can't bluff against a tool who plays every hand. And if you’ve got a crap poker face, try Botox.
2 Cook fish on your donk
Drive for an hour so the engine's hot, then season fish with lemon, parsley and butter, wrap it in foil and whack it on the engine. You should be right after about 110km.
3 Brew own beer
If messing around with malt extracts and hops is too much trouble, throw some yeast into a bottle of apple juice, and make some toxic cider.
4 Haul a slab to a party
On your shoulder, on your head, or in your arms like a baby. Whatever it takes to lug it a few kilometres.
5 Act romantic
Yes, you’ll feel and look like a dick walking through town clutching a bunch of flowers, but it’ll pay dividends.
6 Escape a rip
If you're a smelly Pommy backpacker reading this, swim across the current, rather than against it. We're tired of pulling you out of the water, half-drowned.
7 Get home after waking up in a stranger's house
Wait for morning glory to subside, locate pants, drink any booze left from night before, check mobile to find out where you are, then piss bolt to the door while screaming as loudly as possible. Skulking is for wimps.
8 Jumpstart a dead car
Run the positive cable from the positive terminal of the live battery to the positive terminal of the dead one. Attach the negative cable to the negative terminal of the live battery, but don’t attach it to the negative terminal of the dead battery. Attach it to a clean metal part of the engine. Run the good car around 15 seconds.
9 Give a woman an orgasm
Or at least put in a good enough performance that her fake ones seem believable on grainy video footage.
10 Give a good Best Man's speech
Note: Everyone’s already ripped off all the good ones from YouTube. Just mix up your gags with a serve of honest sentiment – then drunkenly call the bloke a prick to his face afterwards. Mates love that stuff.
What's some more things blokes should know? Leave your comment below.
Slideshows
Hot in the City 2009
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